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Old 12-27-2005, 10:05 PM   #1 (Print)
Zoglarfy
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"My son came out today..."

I decided to begin my new year's resolution a little bit early this year. 2005 was so crappy that I thought I'd start 2006 on a good note.

Some of you may be surprised by this, some won't, but I am indeed a gay man. Now I'm not going to break down into a tearful, hysteric story about how "I don't understand my feelings" and "I'm a freak of nature" and "I'm the only one in the world who feels this way". Most people that are gay have had similar experiences, and it'd be redundant to tell the same story over again.

So, I started tonight, with my mother. I hadn't planned on doing it tonight, but a sudden change of plans meant that she and I had the house to ourselves tonight. For some reason, I wanted to tell her while she was alone. In my head the scene went like this: I would come out, she'd say "oh"... wait a few seconds, then start asking questions. We'd talk, she'd say she loves me no matter what, we'd hug, then I'd leave her and let her go over things in her mind.

And that's exactly what happened. No weirdness about the whole thing, and things are pretty comfortable again.

However, knowing my mom, she may hide stress or anxiety about this situation. I'm not sure she knows what to do now that she has a gay son. So, my question is thus: Do you know any websites or anything I can refer her to? Somewhere that can help answer any questions she has. Or better yet, maybe even talk to other parents who have had similar situations.

I want to make sure she (and the other people I tell, eventually) will be able to handle this the right way, and not go through some weird psychologic self-battle where she ends up blaming herself and thinking she's a failure or something. Parents have a way of blaming themselves for some things, you know?

Oh, by the way, I apologize to anyone I mistakenly deceived about this. I had always been of the opinion that it was my business who I was and if anyone wanted to know, they'd ask. But various... um, complications arose from people that assumed I was straight, and it led to some awkward situations. So, seeing as I'm pretty close to a lot of you on here, I decided to come clean rather than let friendships grow on false pretenses. So again, sorry to anyone I deceived or hurt in any way.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:08 PM   #2 (Print)
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It takes a lot of guts to come to terms with who you are and share those feelings with the rest of the world. For that, I admire you.

Congratulations.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:09 PM   #3 (Print)
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I'm very glad it went so well.

I don't have any sites to point you to, but just am happy to hear it went well. And as far as I'm concerned, unless I want to date you I don't care if someone's gay or straight, and I most certainly don't feel deceived by you.

I hope it goes as well with the other people you share with. As far as your mom goes, perhaps if you tell her you like/love who you are and that you're happy it will help put her at ease some. I know my parents are a bit old fashioned, but knowing I'm happy and healthy is their main concern.
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Old 12-27-2005, 10:09 PM   #4 (Print)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoglarfy
However, knowing my mom, she may hide stress or anxiety about this situation. I'm not sure she knows what to do now that she has a gay son. So, my question is thus: Do you know any websites or anything I can refer her to? Somewhere that can help answer any questions she has. Or better yet, maybe even talk to other parents who have had similar situations.
Wow, Zog... having been there, I know the cavalcade of emotions you're going through right now and how much bravery it may have taken to talk to your Mom like that.

I'd be willing to wager that my mom would have no problem talking to her. She and I had an almost identical series of events as the one you described, and I know from experience that she went through some of the same things you're worried about. PM me if ya want.

And many *hugs* are coming your way.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:10 PM   #5 (Print)
YCantAngieRead
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PFLAG is an organization just for situations like this. (Last edit: I should have mentioned PFLAG is "Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays." They have MANY local branches.

And I'm proud of you!

Edit for a link: http://www.pflag.org/

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:12 PM   #6 (Print)
Ekims
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Good for you and good for your Mother. Hopefully she doesn't suppress any anxiety and will become comfortable enough to ask questions. Great way to start off the new year... Congrats....

sorry, can't help with your question though... I don't know any sites that can offer up any help.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:15 PM   #7 (Print)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skittles
Wow, Zog... having been there, I know the cavalcade of emotions you're going through right now and how much bravery it may have taken to talk to your Mom like that.

I'd be willing to wager that my mom would have no problem talking to her. She and I had an almost identical series of events as the one you described, and I know from experience that she went through some of the same things you're worried about. PM me if ya want.

And many *hugs* are coming your way.


Wait a minute... You're Gay??? Ahhh man, we hugged and everything... Now my trip to Dallas has become of memory of shame and regret...

jk buddy... Tell your family thanks for the Christmas Card... Got it in the mail today...

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:15 PM   #8 (Print)
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I love ya Zog!

Hugs out your way!

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:15 PM   #9 (Print)
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I could never imagine what you must have gone through to come to terms with this. However, I can imagine that you must feel a lot better having gotten it off your chest.

Stay strong, your mom will be fine and you have the rest of us to lean on when times get tough.

Take care.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:17 PM   #10 (Print)
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I can only begin to try and imagine what you went through to get to this point. I am glad it went well.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:17 PM   #11 (Print)
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Zog-

Thanks for letting us all into your life. I know that we're all better for having you here, and your mother will come to terms with everything in her own time. A mother's love is amazing that way.

Here's to a happy 2006 for you and your family.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:17 PM   #12 (Print)
InigoMontoya
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YCantAngieRead
PFLAG is an organization just for situations like this. (Last edit: I should have mentioned PFLAG is "Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays." They have MANY local branches.

Edit for a link: http://www.pflag.org/

Note that PFLAG even has a branch in this conservative, rednecky burg. If they've got one here... They've got one... Well, I won't say *anywhere*, but I will say anywhere you're likely to find broadband.
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Old 12-27-2005, 10:21 PM   #13 (Print)
edhara
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Love you, buddy. Always have, always will.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:21 PM   #14 (Print)
jami
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Yay, Zog!!! May you and your mother become even closer now that you have shared this.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:21 PM   #15 (Print)
YCantAngieRead
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Shoot, they even have a branch here.

I've done a few things with PFLAG many, many years ago in Wichita, Kansas. It was a great experience.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:22 PM   #16 (Print)
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Speaking as a mother, Zog, I can only tell you how I would react. And, of course, every person is different, and has different reactions. But, I really think in the back of my mind I would have suspected, and the actual "coming out" would have been an acknowledgement of what I had already known. I can't imagine giving birth to a son, raising him for however long it may have been, and loving him deeply, without being tuned into something like that.

So, I wouldn't really need any help with the situation - waiting to be told would be the resolution, and then everything would be fine. She may not need to know what to do with a gay son, as she may already known she had one. She may not have any stress or anxiety about the situation - other than the fact that she will mourn grandchildren that probably won't be, and worry about homophobia, and you facing a hard life because of it. But, all mothers face worry about their kids in one way or another.

My advice would be to let her handle it, and just be open to any questions or advice she may give you. I'm sure she'll be fine with it, as I would be.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:23 PM   #17 (Print)
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Zog your still Zog to me.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:23 PM   #18 (Print)
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I'm okay personally. I wanted this to be more about my mother than me, because I came to terms with this years ago. And I had plenty of time to consider any repercussions my coming out would have. I concluded that the good outways the bad, and I'm comfortable with my decision.

I just talked to my mom again, who is crying not because she's disappointed or anything, but because she's worried about things people may do to me who find out. Most of the stories in the paper about gay people are about hate crimes. I don't know how to reassure her on that.

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:25 PM   #19 (Print)
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Zog,
I am glad to hear your experience has gone well. As someone who had someone very close come out to me first out of anyone, It is an interesting discussion. You are lucky to be surrounded by friends and family who support you. Thanks for sharing this story...

Paul

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Old 12-27-2005, 10:32 PM   #20 (Print)
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Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zog: Life, which you so nobly serve, comes from gaiety, disorder and chaos. Take this empty glass. Here it is, peaceful, serene and boring. But if it is...
[pushes glass off table]
Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zog: gay...
Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zog: [robot cleaners move to clean broken glass] Look at all these little things. So busy now. Notice how each one is useful. What a lovely ballet ensues so full of form and color. Now, think about all those people that created them. Technicians, engineers, hundreds of people who'll be able to feed their children tonight so those children can grow up big and strong and have little teeny weeny children of their own, and so on and so forth. Thus, adding to the great chain... of life.
Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zog: [Desk prepares a glass of water and a bowl of fruit] You see, Father, by creating a little gaiety, I'm actually encouraging life. In reality, you and I are in the same business. Cheers.



Well done, Zoglarfy.

-John
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Old 12-27-2005, 10:34 PM   #21 (Print)
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Quote:
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I don't know how to reassure her on that.
Tell her that fewer and fewer people have problems with gaiety, day by day.

-John
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Old 12-27-2005, 10:48 PM   #22 (Print)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoglarfy
I decided to begin my new year's resolution a little bit early this year. 2005 was so crappy that I thought I'd start 2006 on a good note.

Some of you may be surprised by this, some won't, but I am indeed a gay man. Now I'm not going to break down into a tearful, hysteric story about how "I don't understand my feelings" and "I'm a freak of nature" and "I'm the only one in the world who feels this way". Most people that are gay have had similar experiences, and it'd be redundant to tell the same story over again.

So, I started tonight, with my mother. I hadn't planned on doing it tonight, but a sudden change of plans meant that she and I had the house to ourselves tonight. For some reason, I wanted to tell her while she was alone. In my head the scene went like this: I would come out, she'd say "oh"... wait a few seconds, then start asking questions. We'd talk, she'd say she loves me no matter what, we'd hug, then I'd leave her and let her go over things in her mind.

And that's exactly what happened. No weirdness about the whole thing, and things are pretty comfortable again.

However, knowing my mom, she may hide stress or anxiety about this situation. I'm not sure she knows what to do now that she has a gay son. So, my question is thus: Do you know any websites or anything I can refer her to? Somewhere that can help answer any questions she has. Or better yet, maybe even talk to other parents who have had similar situations.

I want to make sure she (and the other people I tell, eventually) will be able to handle this the right way, and not go through some weird psychologic self-battle where she ends up blaming herself and thinking she's a failure or something. Parents have a way of blaming themselves for some things, you know?

Oh, by the way, I apologize to anyone I mistakenly deceived about this. I had always been of the opinion that it was my business who I was and if anyone wanted to know, they'd ask. But various... um, complications arose from people that assumed I was straight, and it led to some awkward situations. So, seeing as I'm pretty close to a lot of you on here, I decided to come clean rather than let friendships grow on false pretenses. So again, sorry to anyone I deceived or hurt in any way.
good for you I wish I was as sure but right now I am confused not there to say if I am gay or straight.


I am happy you did not try to deny it and knew who you were
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Old 12-27-2005, 10:57 PM   #23 (Print)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lee espinoza
good for you I wish I was as sure but right now I am confused not there to say if I am gay or straight.

Is there some rule book somewhere that says you have to be one or the other?
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Old 12-27-2005, 11:00 PM   #24 (Print)
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Speaking as a mother, Zog, I can only tell you how I would react. And, of course, every person is different, and has different reactions. But, I really think in the back of my mind I would have suspected, and the actual "coming out" would have been an acknowledgement of what I had already known. I can't imagine giving birth to a son, raising him for however long it may have been, and loving him deeply, without being tuned into something like that.

I dunno.

My mom thought I was both gay and a drug user.

Alas, I've never even taken a hit off a joint and there's this woman named Agatha....
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Old 12-27-2005, 11:02 PM   #25 (Print)
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Old 12-27-2005, 11:02 PM   #26 (Print)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lee espinoza
good for you I wish I was as sure but right now I am confused not there to say if I am gay or straight.


I am happy you did not try to deny it and knew who you were

I'm lucky enough not to have been confused or uncertain. I wish I could help you out, man. Anyone have good advice for lee?

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Old 12-27-2005, 11:04 PM   #27 (Print)
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There's also some good stuff at PFLAG for Lee, as well, if I remember correctly. They do peer-to-peer counseling for folks and such.

It's something to check out, Lee.

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Old 12-27-2005, 11:06 PM   #28 (Print)
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I have sort of the reverse situation- I have to keep telling my TiVo I'm NOT gay!

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Old 12-27-2005, 11:13 PM   #29 (Print)
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But does your TiVo think or know you are gay?

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Old 12-27-2005, 11:14 PM   #30 (Print)
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Wow Zog!
Is it still ok if I lick you?

Mad Mad Mad props to you for being honest with your mother about who you are!

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